Impossible as it may first appear to walk in a relatively straight line on the pavements of this here London, there is actually a tried and tested method of traversing swiftly from the A to the destination B.
This is known on the street as The Pavement Slinker, Pavement Weaver, The Ghostly Disco, The Feline Foot Dodge, The Dancing Fool and The Bendy Man.
There are no end of obstacles in your way at any given second. A walk of two minutes can end up take up to fifteen and a half! As an example, there are: your generic slow pedestrians, tourists, mobile phone using multi-tasking failures, people reading books, muggers, chuggers, vendors, promotional floozies, pizza shop sign holders, cyclists, security van personnel pretending to be Judge Dredd, motorcycle police officers showing security van personnel how to best pretend to be Judge Dredd, cars, vans, lorries backing out of the most ridiculously small side roads, dog poo, human poo, vomit, sandwiches and misc.
So how does one traverse this impossible scenario?
How? Here's how!
· Switch on your mental mp3 player. Your mind can hold millions of songs (but cannot transfer these to computers yet) so you need to scan through and think up a nice 70's funky disco dance number.
· Take a moment to get into the beat while scanning the area ahead of you taking in all the perils and pitfalls and suchlike as much as you can.
· Nod and wink cheekily to the nearest ladyfemale, hitch up your britches and go!
· Move with the beat, time your arrival at the first obstacle and then the magic happens.
· Before you know you're doing it, you are already weaving and dodging and skipping around everything in your way. If you have to hop out on to the road (likelihood is around 92% generally) then you will find yourself able to time it perfectly between vehicles before you hop back onto the pavement.
When you reach your destination, switch off the funky disco music in your mind and enter the building. It is also customary to comment, "Yo’ momma" on such successful occasions.
Also, you can always attempt the tried and tested London approach; staring viciously at the backs of the meanderer's heads and wishing terrible ailments at them, while at the same time imagining the immense satisfaction of punching them in their stupid ears.
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